we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
