just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
