two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
