This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
