he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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