i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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