So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
