i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
