I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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