Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I could fuck to npr.
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