I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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