tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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