i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
