i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
