my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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