Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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