I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
