i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
