i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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