She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
