How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
