Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
