Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
All the doctor said was why
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
