well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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