Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
