I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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