I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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