Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
We were destined to go to rehab together
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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