When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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