I wish I could teleport
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
