I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Randomize
