How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
