I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
you never un-have a 4some
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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