Barsexuality is the new black.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
