There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
