Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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