dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
