9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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