He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
