Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
