I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Randomize
