remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I wish you could order shots online.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
NoShamevember. You game?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
