fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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