I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
