Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
