what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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