We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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