I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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