When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
