sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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