you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
