There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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