I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
