I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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