This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
