We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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