I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Having a random hookup so left but love u
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
