So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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