I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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