I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
