Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
